Skeleton Man Review: WORLD CUP EDITION


One day I’ll review a good movie, today is not that day.


 MATCH BEGIN

Wow, where to begin… SPOILERS by the way, because you will never see this movie and I want to tell you how truly awful it is. This is a Sci-Fi Original Movie, which lets you know what you’re in for, that focuses on an undercover search and rescue unit sent to rescue another unit that has been attacked by the Skeleton Man but we’ll get to that later, along with who Skeleton Man is and why he hates you.


 

THE OPENING

The movie starts out with some archaeologists checking out artifacts from an ancient Indian burial site. Then Skeleton Man falls down from the roof of the house and basically goes crazy on their asses. 

Shit fucked up
Ass crazy

The movie then graces us with a hilarious scene of a refinery worker, INSIDE A REFINERY, shooting a shotgun at Skeleton Man and missing when’s he’s literally two feet away. This causes a fire, and after Skeleton Man kills the worker the whole place explodes killing some random guy who is literally never shown until he is killed by the explosion.

extra
Perfect form 10/10

That’s just the beginning, but for my sanity I’m going to sum up the rest of the movie.


 

Skeleton Man spends the movie killing everyone, mainly the unit, random soldiers, and other random people in buildings. The movie gives no explanation besides “he’s some crazy dead Indian spirit.” Skeleton Man’s powers include teleporting, wearing a trash bag as a hood, having random weapons whenever he feels like, and his horse can change colors at random. He also mainly uses a sword which makes no damn sense considering he’s an Indian spirit and not a freakin’ knight, but I digress.

skeleton man
Walmart was having a sale

“SPECIAL SCENES”

1. So there’s a guy fishing off the top of a waterfall, which makes no sense, and all of the sudden Skeleton Man appears in the woods and fires an arrow in a random direction. It cuts back to the fisherman, who is now facing the wrong direction, with an arrow in his chest as he proceeds to fall off the waterfall and transforms into a dummy with no bones who yells for 20 seconds. Also every time Skeleton Man’s about to kill someone it shows a hawk screech. Why? BECAUSE THEY DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

dealwithit
Deal with it

2. A semi-truck driver stops in the middle of the road and gets out, for no reason. One of the soldiers from the unit steals the truck, for no reason. He sees Skeleton Man in the middle of the road, who then disappears. The guy then proceeds to crash the truck and it explodes, FOR NO REASON. The guy then gets out of the truck, AND HE’S IMMEDIATELY IN THE WOODS AND SKELETON MAN CUTS HIS LEGS OFF. At this point in the movie Skeleton Man turns to the camera and flips you the middle finger. Now you’ll have no idea if I’m lying or not but it sounds believable, and that’s the scary part.

SkeletonMan1 copy
SKELETON MAN DIDN’T SHOW UP TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY AND HE HATES YOU

3. HE BLOWS UP A HELICOPTER BY SHOOTING AN ARROW AT IT. SCREW THE HONEYBADGER, SKELETON MAN’S THE ONE WHO DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.

skeletonman
YOU CAN’T SWAG ON SKELETON MAN’S STYLE

THE ENDING

So basically everyone’s dead except two people, and they trap Skeleton Man at a different refinery (totally not the same one as the beginning of the movie). Then they blow the whole thing up or something…but Skeleton Man doesn’t die…but the movie’s over anyways because Skeleton Man got tired of your bitching.

This is when you ask yourself, “Do I really care? Does anyone care? Does Skeleton Man care?” The answer is no, have a blessed day.

Overall Score: 1 Star out of every Star in the Universe

The movie’s on Youtube, but I won’t link it because I’m not sadistic.


 

STOPPAGE TIME

You thought we were done? Ha!

The most awful thing about this movie is the editing, it’s a crime against humanity. Shots are reused constantly, continuity is awful, and the film takes random illogical jumps from shot to shot that’ll leave you flabbergasted (I just wanted to use that word). Here’s what I’m talking about, literally watch the first 1:30 minutes and then set your computer on fire to expel the demons.

I’m sorry, but no one could foresee Skeletor would’ve fallen so far from grace.

skeletor


EXTRA TIME

Extra time? And to think you wanted to leave Buffalo Wild Wings, WELL TOO BAD THE MATCH GOES ON.

Here’s a rundown of the main characters that I didn’t feel like doing before. The crew consists of 4 guys, all delta force members, and 4 girls who are experts in random areas like “Underwater Demolition” which is really useful out in the woods.

underwaterdemolition
Spoiler: She dies

Everyone either gets stabbed or slashed to death, though someone does get their head exploded somehow which was pretty neat. They also have a firefight where they shoot at Skeleton Man for 10 whole minutes without hitting him, and the whole time they replaced the actor of Skeleton Man with a dummy. All you see is a skeleton with a trash bag on its head flopping around on a horse as sparks fly everywhere. Two of the members end up surviving because, yeah. Actually, make that three because I was alive at the end of the movie and that surprised me the most.


 

PK’s?

NOPE.


 

But where was halftime?

Shut up.


 

BUT WHO WON THE MATCH?

…I hate you.


 

If you liked this review and want to see more, share this with friends, follow my blog, or leave a comment below!

 

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