By Alex Garber
The train has left the station y’all and it’s making you late to class, again. So why not hop on board and take a ride with me on RedAssReviews Express as we head towards our next destination, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and oh boy is this one a doozie. I’ll be your conductor today so please keep all hands inside the train, and be on the lookout for my cat that got loose. His name’s Bobrovsky so if you find him please let me know!
First thing’s first, you’d hard pressed to find a worse movie than Manos: The Hands of Fate. For starters the plot makes no sense, the visuals and audio are out of sync and processed through a toaster, and the acting is so painful it makes Helen Keller wince…and she’s dead.
So the movie follows a family as they look for an inn somewhere in the Texas desert. For some reason they can’t find it and end up at a house in the middle of nowhere, where they meet Torgo, the lovable house servant. An amazing conversation follows that goes something like this:
Wife: What’s the way out of here?
Torgo: There is no way out.
Dad: Oh…well I’ll guess we’ll just have to stay the night then.
Apparently the family didn’t get the Blues Clue that flashed on the screen at that moment and thought it was a completely normal response.
The little kid in this movie has all her parts dubbed over. Whenever she speaks it sounds like an alien is trying to communicate with Earth through ham radio. Its fun to go through the movie replacing all her lines with, “Satan has you now.” Since you can’t understand what she says anyways. Go on! Try it yourself!
In case you were curious about this Torgo guy, he’s basically Igor from Frankenstein but with added cerebral palsy. Torgo basically walks around like he both shit himself and is trying very hard to cover up the fact that ants are biting his testicles every 5 seconds. Despite these deficiencies, Torgo manages to act as the guard of the house, and does a crap job of it too.
The family tries to convince Torgo to let them stay, but Torgo knew these hoes weren’t loyal and refused. Then, something amazing happens. The camera pans to each character for two minutes with no one saying anything, after which Torgo decides to let them stay. The only reason I’ve come up with is that before every decision, Torgo whispers to himself, “yolo.” I will say this; Torgo is by far the best thing about this movie. He even gets his own music when he carries luggage. If you could capture a child’s first steps while also making them carry luggage, you’d get Torgo in this scene.
Every time Torgo goes on to says something psychotic or creepy, the Dad’s just like, “Oh that Torgo, going on about how the Master wants my wife, classic Torgo!” So the family gets situated in the house, and suddenly the dog goes outside and dies, with no explanation, in what is probably the least sad dog death in cinema history.
Michael, the dad, goes to check on the car, so Torgo decides to go check out his wife. In what may be the most ludicrous and horrendous scene of all time, Torgo decides to win over the lovely lady with a move so suave I was in awe at the very thing I was witnessing. Here it is.
Wow, and I don’t use wow lightly so here it is again. Wow.
Torgo stands there like, “Did we just have sex?” Obviously she pretends she’s not into it, but we know.
The family comes back together and walks to the side of the house where there is a tomb with some dude sleeping and six women tied up around pillars.
Let me ask you, if you saw a ritualistic tomb out in the middle of nowhere would you:
A. Freak the **** out
B. Runaway as fast as you can
C. Have sex with Torgo
D. Go back inside and sleep
If you picked D, congratulations! That’s what this family does! If you picked C…we need to talk.
The wife and kid decided to go to sleep and the father goes outside and looks for Torgo, cause he’s got some splainin’ to do. Torgo, by some miracle, sneaks up on Michael and knocks him out and then spends a minute tying him up around a tree. The guy who was sleeping in the tomb, whom we’ll call “Evil Walt Disney,” wakes up and summons his wives who were tied up on the pillars. Evil Walt Disney’s wearing this amazing robe with two giant hands on it that you could only find at Goodwill high on shrooms.
So Walt Disney’s wondering why their’s people in his house, and then the wives start bickering about whether to kill the family and children or not. Then a cat fight breaks out that lasts for 10 minutes. I’m not even exaggerating, six women fight each other for 10 minutes and its not even enjoyable to watch, which is truly an astounding feat. During this time Torgo decided to nap in a corner, because how else is the plot going to advance? Walt Disney “traps” Torgo and says he must die now.
Ok I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Torgo follows him back to the tomb to go die, and the women are still fighting each other. Walt Disney breaks that up, and the women proceed to slap Torgo to death. He’s slapped…to death. Yes, that’s what happens. Disney brings Torgo back to life (?!?) or something and then makes his hand touch this fire. The hand explodes off Torgo, and he’s seen running away as Walt Disney talks about having killed him…uh…
While this is happening Michael frees himself from the tree and gets the family to try and run out into the desert to escape. After 30 seconds of walking the wife basically says she, “can’t even right now” and refuses to walk anymore. After contemplating whether to kill his wife then and there Michael comes up with a brilliant plan. Hide back in the house. They’ll never expect that. NOPE, NO ONE’S GOING TO BE LOOKING IN THE HOUSE, SUCH A GOOD PLAN.
Walt Disney finds them and Michael shoots at him with his gun and then…? Well the movie transitions to the next day because, oooooh the suspense! Two women drive up to the house, and Michael greets them as he is the new Torgo of the house. The wife and child are tied up on the pillars in the tomb and somewhere, M. Night Shyamalan is crying at such a beautiful ending. What a twist!
Overall Score: 0 Stars because the night is now only black, as I feel the empty pit of despair and anguish surround me. There’s no escape, run.
If you’ve ever had suicidal thoughts don’t click that link.
In honor of Young Gunz’s song “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop” I’ve decided to lengthen this post with an added bonus feature.
Manos: The Hands of Fate was filmed in El Paso, Texas on a dare. Harold P. Warren told his friend that making horror movies was very easy to do, so his friend dared him to make one. Who knew it’d turn out to be one of the worst movies of all time? And that’d I’d be so lucky enough to review it…
I’m at least hoping it was a triple dog dare, because that would’ve meant he’d have to have done it.
P.S. I hate that song, but saying “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop” is too much fun.
You might be asking yourself some questions, and I’m here to answer them.
SO WHO WAS MANOS?
Some demon god that has a hand fetish
WHAT’S UP WITH THE WOMEN?
Apparently they are Walt Disney’s cult slave wives that he collects like action figures
WHY ALL THE HANDS?
I don’t know the movie’s pretty stupid
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME THE MONEY YOU OWE?
Well that seems to be all the questions we have time for today
That’s it folks! Train is now at its last stop, so don’t forget your luggage and carry on ite…
Bobrovsky, what have I told you about eating our readers?! That’s it no more Xbox for a week, you’re grounded! To those of you still alive, thanks for reading. If you like these reviews and want more, leave a comment or share with your friends and family, and I swear this has only happened one other time…