50 Shades of Grey: Trailer Review


Oh baby.

The first trailer for the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey came out and I was dying with anticipation to see it since I have faintly an idea of what it’s about and why people care so much. With my minimal knowledge of the source material I decided to try and give this trailer a good whipping in my first ever trailer review.


50trailer
More like 5 or 6 shades if we’re being honest

So the first thing I asked myself was, “Why’s everyone getting worked up over a trailer?” Here’s why, this baby’s got FULL leather interior, bunk beds, AND can store house about ten bodies people! What this has to do with the movie I have no idea, but this thing has it all you cou…what’s that? That’s not the right trailer you say?

detective
An interesting deduction indeed

Oh, whoops.

That trailer, ah. I guess since we’re here I’ll go ahead and review this one, even though my enthusiasm has now waned slightly.


The trailer starts out with YouTube letting me know I’m in full screen mode so that’s pretty cool. Then we meet the main character girl, we’ll call her Felicia for now, going to interview some super-hot important rich guy. She is obviously very attractive but doesn’t know it, which is why she’s wearing a big coat, acting awkward, and has her hair in a ponytail. Mean Girls anyone?

girl
Anna Kendrick and Zooey Deschanel’s love child

Then it shows super-hot rich guy like I’m supposed to know who that is and be excited.

boy
I have no idea who this is

Some of you may be yelling at your monitors at this point, but I’m getting a strong Edward/Bella vibe just seemingly less stupid.

Oh, it turns out his name is Grey. I’m really hoping this is about 50 clones of this guy trying to take over the world.

boy (1) copy
50 Evil Clones of Grey

We are then exposed to a montage of hot rich guy stuff like: 

Vogue Photo shoots

shoot

Looking out of windows

limo

And even walking in the woods!

park
Rich people have it all

Then she asks him how he’s so good at everything, and he says, “I exercise control in all things.”

I’m just going to point out that a creepy thing was said, but he’s hot so it’s okay. I’m also getting a strong feeling, “Let me show you my van” is said somewhere in this movie.

van
With FULL leather interior!

So, their relationship grows until it eventually escalates to making out in an elevator.

elevator
It could’ve been an escalator…

Then we enter another montage of helicopters, fancy clothes, and longing looks into each other’s eyes. He says, “I’m incapable of leaving you alone.” She responds, “Then don’t.”

KRISTEN STEWART and ROBERT PATTINSON star in THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE.
Uh…

Then it shows him being all mysterious, having a dark past, telling her to stay away from him.

Is this guy Batman?

We’re exposed to even more montages of random scenes, except with no explosions, no-scopes, or dubstep. Oh, and Gray also stops some black guy from kissing Felicia.

blackguy
Saying no to Affirmative Action

More montage stuff yadda-yadda, then Grey starts talking about how he has weird taste and isn’t about romancing women. I immediately thought “serial killer,” but then he took her to a secret room with whips and blindfolds and I then thought, “serial killer.”

whip
Safe word is “AAAAAAAHHHHHH”

Is this movie about BDSM? I still feel my Batman comparison holds up anyways, just instead of punishing criminals he punishes women.

bdsm copy
“WHERE’S RACHEL!? ANSWER ME!”

Then it’s pretty much over. That’s it.

From what I’ve gathered the movie’s about a girl falling for a mysterious rich hot guy that is into BDSM.

I’m still hoping for clones though.


Overall: 3 out of 5 spankings stars

Will I see it? Maybe, if people want me to.

 

 

Please no.

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