Divergent: Slightly Sober Review


So I watched some movie called Divergent a while ago when I was completely sober, but I’m not now so I am going to review it.


 

Divergent is basically Hunger Games with a less hot Jennifer Laurence, dumb plot, and trains on trains on trains. Half this movie is spent on trains, jumping from trains, or chasing trains. I don’t know why the writer loves trains so much, but i assume some hobo roofied his drink and showed him a good time.

You can take that sentence and visualize it anyway you see fit.

Hi mom.

Divergent-movie-poster-4
I’m on team Sassy Pants and Something Interesting on the Ground

Plot: There are factions or something that people belong to, and they take an SAT where they decide personality and skill to get into jobs like baker, hip hop dancer, or karate cop. Something like that. I was half watching and half eating tacos, don’t judge me.

Main chick chooses karate cop and she sucks, but we get a montage of her punching a bag and suddenly she’s good at shooting guns and stuff BUT SHE WAS TERRIBLE THE DAY BEFORE, WTF MONTAGE TEAM.

super-computer-nerd
NO DORITOS FOR YOU MONTAGE TEAM

Good thing hot older guy is basically the Han Solo of preteen Sci-Fi novels and helps Main Chick train while being super cereal and distant the whole time. Don’t mind the fact that he seems 30 and she’s maybe 19.

algore
You should take this blog post…cerealy…

Some Sharkeisha girl kicks her ass as does Douchey McDoucherson (some other character), mainly because SHE USES THE SAME KARATE CHOP ATTACK WHEN SHE PRACTICES OVER AND OVER AND NOTHING ELSE. Director…why not tell the actress to pretend to do different things in practice? The tomahawk chop only works at Seminoles games, not on actual people trying to kick your ass.

tomahawk-chop
Masters of the Wing Chun fighting style: Tomahawk Chop

I was in the kitchen eating tacos for a majority of the movie, at some point I made it to the couch where girls were and you should be high-fiving me right about now.

mario
Right before you find out your princess is in another castle…

There’s a bad guy who looks like he just got back from being a fish camp counselor for a biker gang, and he’s bad cause he’s a dick to the main girl and everyone else. 

Director NEIL BURGER, JAI COURTNEY and THRO JAMES on the set of DIVERGENT
Bet he was Camp Aqua that prick

At some point I got confused.

They did a capture the flag game with fake future Sci-Fi bullets, and bad guy team had one person guard the flag and put it in the most visible spot because logic is hard when you combine Twilight and Hunger Games into one thing.

angry-mob-simps
Please form an orderly angry mob to the left, and people who like good movies form on the right.

Then she gets attacked by the Taliban, or the Foot Clan, or Color blind Scorpion and Sub-Zero randomly.

SHAILENE WOODLEY stars in DIVERGENT
When Power Rangers go wrong

She gets saved, then she has a lunch argument with the dude who tried to kill her like, “No you can’t sign my yearbook, ew.”

So he kills himself.

Uh.

 

So karate cop academy gets brainwashed by evil government eyeball people into trying to massacre the Holding Hands clan because they dress really shitty, or they’re too nice, or something.

Divergent-Screen-Shot
‘Holding Hands clan likes grey. We don’t like grey. Let’s kill ’em.” – what I assume is the plot point

But before that, Main Girl (is that more PC than Main Chick? Trying to appease you random reader) goes through some tests where she fights hallucinogenic birds and has to reject sex from the 40 Year Old Virgin’s hot nephew.

divergent-barbie-dolls-main
I don’t know why this exists or why you’d tattoo the different Pokemon types on your back

She does this to prove she’s not Divergent, which is someone who thinks differently about stuff…like bein all smart and what not, and God knows we can’t have smart people in society. 

2-Chainz
2 Chainz gives his thumbs up

She passes the test, her friends get brainwashed, but her and 6-pack are immune and Main Girl is able to escape but the dude gets captured. Both her Mom and Dad die because who needs adult figures in a movie about young adult Sci-Fi action romance? They were just cock-blocks needing to be eliminated.

At this moment I’d like to shout out to my Mom and Dad who are the cats pajamas.

Any who.

They happen to know where the control center for the brainwash stuff is, and luckily the security for the place consists of a dude walking by himself in a hallway and 5 people standing in a circle.

That wasn’t a joke.

tb-circle-people
How to secure evil headquarters 101: Throw that Ass in a Circle

Main girl and Hotty McDreamerson manage to punch a bunch of people and stop Evil eye people from getting Karate Cop academy Fire Nation clan from killing the Homeless Holding Hands Clan.

IDontKnow
Telling you the truth in the stupidest way possible

At the end they ride a train somewhere I think, and there’s like another book possibly? But who reads anything now days? Am I right?

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Well…answer the question

 

Overall Score: 2/5 Stars

Divergent-5-600x419
You can leave now you train hopping hobo

 

OH BUT I FOUND SOMETHING! YOU KNOW HOW THESE TWO ARE BROTHER AND SISTER IN THIS MOVIE?

Divergent-Screen-Shot
Luke and Leia

THEY ARE THE COUPLE IN THE FAULT IN OUR STARS HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

photo_2
CAN NEVER BE UNSEEN

I’m sorry I ruined two movies for you. I’ll buy you a drink next time.

 

 

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