Fifty Shades of Grey Review

Watching Fifty Shades of Grey is like slowly realizing that pill you took 5 minutes ago was actually Ambien, and not Viagra. You’ll fall asleep and won’t even wake up with morning wood.

What a bummer.


(But I’m sure you don’t care)


I finally got around to watching Fifty Shades of Grey this past weekend and boy was it bad. Not even a kind of so bad it’s good. More like, “I forgot what the safe word was and now the pain won’t stop.” The plot revolves around a college senior,  Anastasia Steele, who falls for a handsome rich guy who has no emotion and practices BDSM in his spare time. So basically he practices BDSM all the time and does nothing else. Before I complain anymore I’m going to go through the plot to help all you lovely people who didn’t watch the movie know what happened. Go ahead and hide all your sharp objects and tell your parents you love them, because we are about to take a ride on the pain train.

This little engine could f*** you up

Ana meets Christian Grey because she fills in for her roommate who was supposed to interview him for…something. Ana does the completely normal thing of not reading any of the questions before hand and starts stumbling through them as if she was giving a book report in 5th grade. Grey almost manages to form an emotion during the interview, but realizes he’s not capable and instead talks about how he’s interested in Ana even though she is literally the worst interviewer ever.

Do I want to smile? Or am I concealing a fart?

The next time they meet is at a hardware store where Ana works, what a coincidence! He also buys a bunch of very sketchy items which causes Ana to make a serial killer joke. No Ana, he just likes to tie girls up, hit them, and pierce their insides. Nothing at all like a serial killer.

He did ask her if she liked Huey Lewis and the News though.

They later do a photo shoot where more ogling goes on between the two. Christian even sends her a special edition of Tess of the d’Urbervilles, which she thinks is the coolest thing ever. This ain’t the LotR box set, you need to calm yourself. Christian eventually gives the commencement speech at Ana’s graduation, and later tracks Ana down at a bar when she gets drunk and calls him. He takes her away from her friends to his hotel, but don’t worry guys there’s still no sex yet. If he wasn’t hot and rich, this would be like the creepiest guy ever.

They start seeing each other and Grey asks Ana to sign a contractual agreement to not discuss their relationship and to submit to doing super kinky things. She’s a virgin, duh, so she’s not entirely comfortable with all this. Grey, being the good guy he is, decides to have normal sex with her and even sleep in the same bed. Grey shows her his “playroom” and she asks him if that’s where he keeps his Xbox.

Obviously it’s where he keeps his PS4

They do some bondage stuff. He remains emotionally distant during the relationship. She asks what happens when she is punished, so he whips her with a belt six times and she suddenly realizes that being a bondage slave sucks. At the end of the movie she leaves him for being weird as shit, and his response is basically, “I can’t stop being weird as shit.” Then it’s finally over, and everyone who bothered to watch it contemplates all their previous life decisions that led them to this moment.

I should have never been born

This movie is unbearably boring. The only thing remotely interesting that happens are the sex scenes, because the two characters can finally stop talking. The chemistry between these two is so bad, Walter White is rolling over in his grave. Grey acts like he’s a Terminator sent back in time and Ana is John Conner trying to teach him what love and friendship is.

terminator 2
You can’t just go around killing people…or tying up women.

Boring with a dumb plot and wooden characters, Fifty Shades of Grey is all torture and no sexual gratification. You’ll have a better time paying the homeless man across the street to hit you with his cane.

Overall Score: 1 1/2 out of 5 stars

But seriously guys, he could use the money.


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