It’s about that time of year again. Where you sit down to watch people in the industry give out awards to each other, for movies you probably didn’t watch. Want to know what will help you enjoy this awards show more as you sit there wallowing in your student debt and insecurities? Drinking. Particularly drinking alcohol. Whether you’re with friends, trying to hang out with your weird roommates, or just a sad and lonely individual, drinking is always acceptable 60% of the time. Here’s a new reason to watch the Oscars, or a new reason to drink. Follow the drinking rules below, and you’ll be on the floor crawling to your first Oscar before you know it!
*Special Note: Alcoholics have an inherent advantage.
Liquor or mixed drinks are preferred.
#1 Rule: Guess the winner of each category, and drink if you’re wrong. *Does not override rules below, so you may have to still drink or drink twice.
- A movie that you didn’t watch wins something
- You are mad that the one film you watched didn’t win
- One of the winners cries
- Someone tells a joke that isn’t funny
- You see sideboob
- You’re contemplating why Matt Damon is nominated
- You don’t care about the Documentary and Shorts awards
- You have no idea how someone judges Sound Editing and Sound Mixing
- Two presenters pretend to be mad at each other
- Someone is censored
- Music begins to cut off a speech
Drink for 5 seconds if:
- Leo doesn’t win Best Actor
- Brie Larson doesn’t win Best Actress
- Inside Out doesn’t win Best Animated Film
- Chris Rock makes a joke about white people
- You’ve seen any of the documentaries or shorts
- Mad Max wins anything
- Sylvester Stallone wins Best Supporting Actor
- Sicario wins anything
- The Hateful Eight wins anything
Finish your drink if:
- Star Wars wins anything
- The Revenant doesn’t win for Best Cinematography
- The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared (?) wins
- Someone in the room thinks Star Wars should be a Best Picture nominee
- Someone gets a standing ovation
Bonus Shot Rules: *Tequila Recommended
If you are truly looking to get messed up, here are some added rules just for you.
Take a shot if:
- Sam Smith wins for Best Song
- The Oscars run over time
- The Revenant or Spotlight win Best Picture
- Someone other than Leo and Fassbender win Best Actor
- Anomalisa wins Best Animated Film
- Ex Machina wins anything
- Something you’ve never even heard of wins
- Straight Outta Compton wins Best Original Screenplay
The less you know, the more alcohol you’ll drink, and the more fun you’ll have!
Hope this’ll help you enjoy watching all the films you like not win anything, and that Oscar bait movie sweep all the major categories. Drink, because its all you can do to mask the sadness.