Be thankful your parents aren’t John and Martha Kent
One of my most anticipated films of the year was Batman v. Superman, because I am an unapologetic Batman fanboy. One should not, however, be blinded by their fandom. When a movie is shit, it’s shit.
Batman v. Superman is shit.
Batman v. Superman pits two iconic superhero’s against each other, without much rhyme or reason to it. If someone could explain the entire plot of this movie, while explaining the character motivations, they deserve a medal. You can look to derive meaning from the movie, but it honestly makes no sense. It doesn’t help that they justify character development as, “another dream sequence happens.”
Let’s start with Batman.
Batman in this movie is not like any Batman we’ve seen before in film, much less in any comic or TV show. The film just asks you to accept how he is in the movie without giving you the necessary information to understand why he’s like this. Batman in this is just a rage filled idiot, who straight up murders people with reckless abandon. You can’t just change one of the character’s biggest traits, especially with absolutely zero character development up to that point. Another bothersome thing is that Batman’s reason for wanting to KILL Superman is extremely weak. Besides the ludicrousness of the opening scene, it at least does a good job at establishing Batman’s disdain for Superman. Basically the only other thing that drives Batman to want to kill Superman is his dreams.
How lazy of a writer do you have to be to rely on dream sequences to establish major points in a movie. Even in his dreams he shoots a bunch of people. Just awful.
The only thing that Batman seems to be aware of in this movie, is that kryptonite makes Superman weak. Besides that, he’s so ignorant to everything else happening it’s mind boggling. Batman is supposed to be a genius detective who is all about planning, stealth, and being a hero, which no one seems to want to be in this film. He doesn’t do any of that. Somehow Lex Luthor knows of a bunch of superhero humans exist, and fucking BATMAN doesn’t? Also Batman is going to be pushed over the edge because a former employee sends him hate mail? Batman doesn’t realize that Clark Kent is Superman? It’s just baffling that Batman would be so incompetent.
Don’t forget that part where he shows up to Metropolis driving a JEEP RENEGADE (in case you guys were wondering about the product placement) straight into the destruction of the city. He’s dodging falling buildings and shit for what? So, he can stand next to his destroyed building and look mad? Why wouldn’t he have just gone back and got his bat suit and and bat wing? You know, so he could actually try and be helpful? All they had to do was have him already be in the city when the battle started, but no we have to see him show up in a helicopter.
This movie is so stupid.
Ok, let’s talk about Superman now.
Superman in this movie is a giant asshole. If you’re a Superman fan, I’m sorry. His character is dull, unsympathetic, and hypocritical. Superman tells Batman to stop being a vigilante hero, despite the fact that Superman is a vigilante hero. Superman smiles before flying a dude through three walls, killing him. Superman hallucinates Kevin Costner on a mountain. Superman can hear Lois falling, but can’t hear his mom being kidnapped or held captive. Superman never smiles. Even he’s saving people he looks absolutely miserable.
Superman is supposed to be the good guy, incorruptible, a guy who always does the right thing. In this movie he questions whether or not he should be Superman because a guy vandalizes a statue of him. His parents, in this movie and the last, keep telling him he should basically not help people. He’s convinced to help humanity only because he loves Lois, and their on-screen chemistry is awful.
How many times did Lois Lane get saved in this movie? Four maybe five times? Does the Daily Planet give Lois some infinite travel budget where she’s able to go wherever she wants whenever? How’d she find Batman and Superman in an abandoned building just before Batman was going to kill Superman? Why did she throw the spear in a pool of water, and three minutes later decided she needed to get it back despite no one telling her that they needed it?
Whatever, I’m just going to skip to Lex Luthor.
Does anyone have any idea why Lex Luthor tries to get Batman and Superman to kill each other, while at the same time creating an unstoppable killing machine for the sole purpose of killing Superman? All he does is incoherently ramble about gods, power, and demons. It just seems like he’s insane. No real reason the movie gives you as to why he does all this incomprehensible random shit.
He hires a guy to go up against Superman in Congress. Pisses in a jar. Sneaks a bomb into the Capitol. Blows up Congress. Kidnaps an old lady. Pushes a reporter off a roof. Somehow gets an alien spaceship and carcass from the government. Doesn’t give the government anything back. Decides to create a mutant monster with his own blood. Has his own Russian mercenary team. They try and frame Superman for an African incident despite the fact that all those people were shot, with bullets. Has a file of all the superhumans, complete with a logo for each. He rings the bell. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
Kill me please.
Oh yeah, Wonder Woman. She was alright.
When Superman died at the end I was alright checked out. I didn’t care, the movie hardly gave me a reason to. Here’s a monster that showed up in the last ten minutes to destroy the city. Who cares? There’s no emotional connection between the characters and the monster. It’s just kind of there. Thank God the movie told us five times that all the places being destroyed were uninhabited at the time, because no one is going to be in downtown Metropolis past business hours…except for every single person at the Daily Planet.
This movie is stupid. It’s nonsensical. It ruins all these characters. It’s not even entertaining. It’s boring, it’s sad, and it makes me not excited for the Justice League.
That is one hell of a feat.
Overall Score: 1/5 Stars
Did anyone else laugh when Batman was hiding in the corner of the room that cop was in, in plain sight, hoping no one would see him? No, just me? K…