The month of October is perhaps the greatest month of the year. Everyone is down to get SPOOKY. You now have an excuse to buy those giant bags of candy, even though you eat the whole thing by yourself. Most of your girl friends will dress up as cats, or other animals that look like cats, and you and your friends will drink alcohol and talk about scary shit.
You’ll discuss horror movies, which ones are bad and which ones are your favorites. But you have that friend Steve, he’s kind of an asshole, but he’s your asshole. He’s always trying to one up you. You say your favorite scary movie is Halloween, he’ll counter with Halloween III.
“It’s the only Halloween without Michael Myers in it. It’s very underrated,” he’ll say, with a dumb, smug look on his face. Like that idiot didn’t know you already totally knew that?!
That’s why I’ve come to weaponize your mind with some slightly more obscure recommendations for this horror season. The kinds of films you discuss while sipping wine and wearing reading glasses that you’re a constantly adjusting for no good reason. Only the most smartest intellectual would’ve seen these films! Your friends, and strangers alike, will awe in wonder at your obscure movie knowledge, as people normally do.
“I bet he’s well endowed,” the cat-girls will whisper to each other from across the room, as you sip on scotch, nailing every single beer pong cup.
Or alternatively, for the ladies:
“I can’t wait to respect her and nod thoughtfully at her opinions on Brexxit,” the dude-bros will whisper to each other from across the room, as you sip on scotch, nailing every single beer pong cup.
Oh yeah, it’s that kind of party.
Noroi: The Curse (2005)
Nothing impresses strangers more than showing them that you’ve watched a Japanese film they’ve probably never heard of.
Noroi: The Curse is a Japanese mockumentary horror film, where a filmmaker begins to investigate paranormal incidents that happen around Japan. It’s one of the best found footage movies the genre has to offer, even though the production quality may feel a tad dated.
It plays out like a procedural true crimes show. People start to go missing, a demonic ritual is discovered, and everything starts going straight to hell. All your normal, typical occurrences. The movie may be a tad long for a typical horror film, coming just short of two hours, but the ending is well worth it.
The whole thing is also on YouTube, and subtitled.
“I only watch movies in English, cause we’re in AMERICA!” some guy across the room yells at you, right before he downs 5 beers funneled into a beer bong.
All the people around you nod their head in subtle agreement. After all that guy is more attractive than you. I mean, did you see his six pack?
But you’re not “donezo,” as the kids would say. You’ve still got some more tricks up your sleeve. There are more movies to whip out in front of everyone, and they’ll have the bros and ladies saying, “Gee golly, you’re totes McGoats.”
DAMN RIGHT YOU’RE TOTES MCGOATS! DROP SOME ENGLISH MOVIE KNOWLEDGE ON THEY ASS!
DO NOT WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THIS MOVIE IT SPOILS EVERYTHING
Geometry? Say it ain’t so!
But Triangle is like geometry. Remember the first time you learned that a^2 + b^2= c^2? This movie is just like that, a mindfuck.
The movie follows a group of friends who go yachting, when a sudden storm causes them to seek refuge on a nearby ship passing by. Unfortunately for them, something else is on the ship too. Things get crazier from there, and your best bet is to just plunge in head first and hold on for the ride.
I actually love this movie. It’s a surface level slasher flick, that transforms into something far more interesting and unique as it goes on. Imagine if Inception had a serial killer pop up halfway through, that’s basically Triangle.
“Triangle isn’t a horror movie,” some loser says under his breath.
Just because we’re playing fast and loose with what defines horror doesn’t mean it can’t be considered a horror movie!
By God, you’ll show him, because you care about other people’s opinions too much, and you’re ashamedly aware of it. You’ve been trying to work on it, but this man just belittled you in front of the three people who were listening. This is your anxiety fever dream thrust into real life.
Time to clap back.
You down the rest of your scotch, and proceed to cough really loudly while making an extremely ugly face. Your throat is on fire. Someone asks you if you’re okay. You nod aggressively.
Damn, that guy made you look like an idiot in front of people you don’t even know! Again! Revenge shall be yours!
30 Days of Night (2007)
A visceral, raw experience of complete blood & guts mayhem. 30 Days of Night makes Blade AND Blade 2 look like Saturday morning cartoons.
The plot involves a horde of vampires descending upon an unsuspecting town in Alaska when the Sun goes down for 30 days. Madness ensues.
This movie is all style and entertainment. The plot and character’s aren’t bad by any means, but this is the kind of movie that shines brightest when the bodies pile up and the carnage reigns supreme.
The vampires are ugly as hell, there’s a tractor with fricken chainsaw attached to it, and it stars early 2000’s heartthrob Josh Hartnett! What more could you want?
While 30 Days of Night isn’t an obscure film, it’s definitely often overlooked. Sometimes obscurity is too mainstream, so you have to go back to mainstream to be obscure, ya know?
Don’t let hipsters ruin this movie for you; just watch it.
Wow, you just destroyed that loser with such a good recommendation. In fact, that guy literally doesn’t exist anymore, like he vanished from the face of the Earth. Maybe he was never real. Perhaps you are just straight up hallucinating right now, because why has that clown in the corner been staring at you this whole time?
I think it’s time to bounce. You’ve dropped enough cool knowledge on your fellow peers for one night. Next time they see you they’ll point and say, “That’s the guy at the party who was trippin’ balls!” or, “That’s the guy with the obscure movie recommendations! He’s super rad.”
Before you say your farewells, let’s leave them with one last movie to remember you by. Something they’ll go home and watch, and later say, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
I have the perfect choice.
I Saw the Devil (2010)
Now this is my kind of film! Something so beautiful, violent, and downright nasty, it feels like it was made for those twisted minded individuals like myself.
This is a South Korean revenge thriller, and I use none of those words lightly.
A serial killer murders the wife of a secret agent, and finds himself hunted by a man whose only goal is to inflict as much suffering onto him as possible. This isn’t just your regular revenge flick. This is advanced vengeance. If you’re squeamish run for the hills, because someone’s already coming to find you.
Tons of blood? Check.
360 degrees stabbings? CHECK.
MORAL THEMES, GREAT ACTING, AMAZING CINEMATOGRAPHY, AND SINISTER LAUGHS? SUPER CHECK!
If you can stomach some violence and can read English words at the bottom of the screen, then this movie is one to check out.
You throw up the deuces and stumble out into the front yard. Your Lyft should be arriving soon, even though you don’t remember ordering one.
A spaceship descends from the sky and sets down by the curb. An alien rolls down the window.
“Are you (SUPER ATTRACTIVE READER)?” he asks.
“That’s me!” you say as you climb into the spaceships backseat. The ship takes off and Styx’s “Come Sail Away” comes on the Spotify playlist, but the meaning of this is lost on you.
“Wild night huh?” the alien asks. He turns to look back at you with 8 large eyes. You notice the many legs he has propped up around him in the front seat.
“Uh, are you a giant spider?”
Is this film obscure? Have people seen it? I have no clue, but it’s on the list and there’s nothing you can do. This movie is almost 30 years old, and you should see it, especially if you are scared of spiders. If there was ever a movie to make your fear of spiders seem rationale, Arachnophobia is it.
Here’s the plot:
An aggressive Amazonian spider with deadly venom makes its way to America, and mates with a common house spider. This creates a giant colony of spiders that can kill you with one bite, nested in a random suburban town in California.
This movie has John Goodman and Jeff Daniels, creepy spiders, and one of the dumbest tag lines I’ve ever read.
Eight legs, two fangs, and an attitude.
What are you doing marketing team? This isn’t the Mean Girls of spider movies! There’s not a spider high school! Fetch isn’t even a thing!
You wake up. You’re still at the party. Damn, what was in that scotch?! Everything seems to be normal…nope the clown is still there in the corner. Time to leave again.
You walk outside and see a spaceship parked on the curb.
“Are you (SUPER ATTRACTIVE READER)?” the giant spider alien asks.
You pass by him without making eye contact. Walking home seems to be the best option.
The sidewalk is cold beneath your bare feet, because you don’t have shoes on for some reason. The sky seems to darken above you. The sign up ahead says Moors Street. Your friend warned you to stay off the Moors at night, so you keep walking.
This reminds you of that one obscure horror film A Girl Walks Home Alone at–no, no it doesn’t. Get a hold of yourself please. Just go home.
“Hey, you like balloons?” someone says, cutting through your rambling thoughts.
The clown from the party is now hanging out in the storm drain across the street.
“No, I don’t.”
“Alright, never mind then. You’re too old for me anyways.” The clown sulks back down into the sewer. His eyes are the only thing visible.
“Well, if you see any kids. Send them my way. I got, like, tons of toys and things. Things that float. Everything floats down here!” the clown says laughing.
You pull out your phone. “I’m calling the police.”
“Oh shit, the fuzz.”
The clown vanishes and you go home to sleep, making a mental note to never go to openbarcinema.com ever again.
Comment, like, and subscribe if you want to. It’s not like you have a say in the matter, so you kind of have to.
I’M BEGGING YOU.
Have a fun Halloween. Watch something scary, and tell me about it.
Go and get spooky!